I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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