Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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