I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
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There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
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I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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