Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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