my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
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Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
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I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
this is an emotional support booty call
I licked your asshole in confidence.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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