When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
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I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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