She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My hand turned me down
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize