I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize