I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
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I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
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I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize