I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize