Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
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I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
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We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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