I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
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I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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