some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
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Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
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He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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