i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
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I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
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Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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