dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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