I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
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Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
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I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I currently don't understand fingers.
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