Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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