She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
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nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
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There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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