Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
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She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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