I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
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Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
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Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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