Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
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I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
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Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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