I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
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He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
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Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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