i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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