Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
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Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You took a bar mat shot.
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about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
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