I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
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It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
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I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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