its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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