with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
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How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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