I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
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Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
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i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize