Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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