he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
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That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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