They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
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Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
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Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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