gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
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He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
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She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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