We got so high we made milksteak
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
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He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
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He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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