I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
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I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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