i need an iv and a liver transplant
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
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Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
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direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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