I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
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Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
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Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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