How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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