Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
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Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
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Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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