He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
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My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
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Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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