True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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