I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
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When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
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If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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