I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
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On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
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Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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