I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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