so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
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Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
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Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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