So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
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his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
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Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize