Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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