If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize