I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
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i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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