can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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