Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
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I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
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Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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